In case you missed it, yesterday was fucking INSANE.  Yes, I used the f word, because if it was ever appropriate, it was yesterday.

I checked the weather like I always do and it seemed as though we were going to have bad weather mid day.  So, like an idiot, I got in the car at 8:45 and started going to pilates.

At 9:00, my phone started SCREAMING at me to take cover from a tornado.  Um, that escalated quickly from no rain at all.  And then, a 3 inch limb fell from a tree and hit my windshield.  I am genuinely surprised I lived long enough to make it home.

Y’all….I like to think I can handle the weather here.  I thought back to Hurricane Gustav, and I watched the whole thing unfold from the wall of windows at the back of our house.  Because that’s what we do, we’re idiots and like to ooh and ahh over the weather and specifically, hurricanes.  But clearly, no one here is prepared for a tornado with 111 mile per hour wind.  That shit is scary.

I pulled into the driveway and RAN to the bathroom and hung out in the tub with my dog, and then in the closet, while I shook uncontrollably in a dark house with no power.

As luck would have it, my husband was at the hospital, because that’s ALWAYS where he is during a storm.  I realized that yesterday, too, that he and I have never been through a storm in the same house over the course of eleven years, so if that ever happens, expect a story to come out of that.  Thank God text messages were going through and we could communicate, and we knew each other were safe.

Apparently, I think I’m WonderWoman, because we had a leak in the library, dripping through the pot light, and I moved all of the furniture.  Then, because I’m a nice neighbor, and didn’t want any of our crap from the yard flying and hitting someone else’s window, I brought in all of the patio furniture into the kitchen.

The school lost power and water, so I went to pick up the boys.  They handled the mess like champs, and frankly, that kind of blew my mind.

The silver lining of yesterday was crawfish.  Even when you lose power, you still have propane and that’s all you need for a boil.  About twenty people gathered at my in-laws while it hailed outside and ate three sacks of crawfish.  And it was delicious.

At the end of the day, I was tired.  So tired.  I went to tuck the boys into bed, and it started out innocently enough.  Radcliffe and I had such a sweet moment, and then he touched the bump on my nose and said, “I thought you were going to get that fixed.”

No words.

Then, I tuck in Theodore, and this is the moment he decides is the best time to ask about sex.  Of course, we talk, because I always want him to hear it from us, and we’ve been having the open dialogues back and forth, but I was tired.  From hanging out in a tub and moving a shit ton of furniture with no power while soaking wet. But, we talked, and I am glad we did, but shit, this week is hard AND IT’S ONLY TUESDAY, PEOPLE.

The photo attached is when a literal tornado came through.  No judgements on the mess, please.

Radcliffe is obsessed with God, one of many obsessions, I admit, but this is an ongoing conversation in our house.  Heaven and hell, God and his son, different belief systems, you get the drift.

He is constantly asking me questions about God, usually prior to bedtime when he has time to mull over these questions.  The other night, Radcliffe started grilling me out of the blue about God and whether bad people burn in hell.  I tried to give him a benign answer, because I don’t think he’s old enough to have such a conversation.  Then, he started in with the questions.  The conversation went like this:

Radcliffe:  I have lots of questions for God.

Me:  Oh, yeah?

Radcliffe:  Yeah, like is heaven and hell like Minecraft?

Me:  Hmmm, doubtful.

Radcliffe:  Is God a phantom?

Me:  Sort of…

Radcliffe:  You know, I would be sad if you died, but I know I’d see you in heaven again.  I also want to know why God made drugs.

Me:  Well, God didn’t really make drugs, man did.

Radcliffe:  Well, is Jesus the first orphan?  Does that mean he’s the first adopted child?

Me:  That’s a great observation.

Radcliffe:  I also want to know if aliens are real.

Me:  Man, these are a lot of questions for God.

Radcliffe:  Yeah, but I don’t think I’ll remember them, so I think I’m going to write them all down and carry a list around for all time, so when I die, I’ll be prepared to ask him.

I was recently having a conversation with a friend about the most horrifyingly embarrassing things our kids have said. Clearly, it’s not hard for me to reach deep, since Radcliffe, the youngest, says inappropriate things almost on a daily basis. However, two stories over the years have stuck with me and still make me giggle years later.

The first one is about Theodore. Theodore had a serious speech delay and was simultaneously obsessed with Thomas the Train, specifically the train named ‘Percy’. I bet you can see where this is going. He carried that damn green train everywhere and screamed his name (pretty much the only word he could say) everywhere. Except that he called Percy ‘pussy’, or more like ‘PUUUUUSSSSYYYY’. The looks I got when I took him public were awful, but in retrospect hilarious. Every single time I tried to quiet him, he would only scream it louder, which brings me to an important mom lesson for all of you: when you don’t want your kid to say something, don’t tell them or they are guaranteed to shout it out in public places.

Radcliffe is no different, obviously. A recurring embarrassing thing he says has to do with an innocent sunscreen stick. I’m obsessive about sunscreen, so they are always around, setting us up for just the situation I’m talking about. We have a beach house, our next door neighbors are conservative, and I’m almost positive they can hear everything on their porch. Anyhow, Radcliffe would always ask me to ‘paint’ his face with the sunscreen stick.

Somehow, ‘paint’ ‘stick’ and something else entirely got mingled together and he decided it was called a ‘taint stick.’ He decided this at 7 in the morning and promptly began screaming at the top of his lungs ‘I want my taint stick, give me my taint’ over and over as the neighbors got in their car next door.

I.was.mortified. Until the next weekend, when he screamed it again, only louder because I didn’t learn my own lesson, and I tried to shush him. As guaranteed, he just got louder and louder and louder. I wouldn’t make eye contact with the neighbors for a few days until he stopped.

Soooooo embarrassing at the time, and yet so hilarious. Perfect blackmail for when they are older.