I was recently having a conversation with a friend about the most horrifyingly embarrassing things our kids have said. Clearly, it’s not hard for me to reach deep, since Radcliffe, the youngest, says inappropriate things almost on a daily basis. However, two stories over the years have stuck with me and still make me giggle years later.

The first one is about Theodore. Theodore had a serious speech delay and was simultaneously obsessed with Thomas the Train, specifically the train named ‘Percy’. I bet you can see where this is going. He carried that damn green train everywhere and screamed his name (pretty much the only word he could say) everywhere. Except that he called Percy ‘pussy’, or more like ‘PUUUUUSSSSYYYY’. The looks I got when I took him public were awful, but in retrospect hilarious. Every single time I tried to quiet him, he would only scream it louder, which brings me to an important mom lesson for all of you: when you don’t want your kid to say something, don’t tell them or they are guaranteed to shout it out in public places.

Radcliffe is no different, obviously. A recurring embarrassing thing he says has to do with an innocent sunscreen stick. I’m obsessive about sunscreen, so they are always around, setting us up for just the situation I’m talking about. We have a beach house, our next door neighbors are conservative, and I’m almost positive they can hear everything on their porch. Anyhow, Radcliffe would always ask me to ‘paint’ his face with the sunscreen stick.

Somehow, ‘paint’ ‘stick’ and something else entirely got mingled together and he decided it was called a ‘taint stick.’ He decided this at 7 in the morning and promptly began screaming at the top of his lungs ‘I want my taint stick, give me my taint’ over and over as the neighbors got in their car next door.

I.was.mortified. Until the next weekend, when he screamed it again, only louder because I didn’t learn my own lesson, and I tried to shush him. As guaranteed, he just got louder and louder and louder. I wouldn’t make eye contact with the neighbors for a few days until he stopped.

Soooooo embarrassing at the time, and yet so hilarious. Perfect blackmail for when they are older.